2011

In 2011, I had a lot of anxiety problems. While I didn’t drink a lot this year (maybe once or twice a month), I relieved a majority of my most anxious moments by drowning my emotions in beer, wine, and vodka. For a while, it worked, and was enough to get me through awkward scenarios that I avoided while sober.

Some nights were fun, but most were lonely. I re-discovered how much I hate myself as a person, mostly because I was too scared to just be myself in social situations. I realized I would go through great lengths to impress people to earn a place in their memory. Usually, this was at the cost of my dignity.

I also set a new record of most times I’ve cried in my life in 2011, just because of how much I chose to isolate myself from people around me. I spent fall semester sleeping, eating, and watching Netflix, rarely leaving my bed. I made the decision to avoid people because it’s hard for me to adjust to people who know nothing about me.

How do you tell someone that you are abnormal, but at the same time completely normal? This is a problem I faced on my own throughout 2011. No one could help me aside from myself, because I chose to have it that way.

Perhaps this loneliness I’ve felt is merely new-found independence. I cried because I was alone, but I wanted to be alone. Is that what it is like to be an independent soul? And if so, should I have hated myself during those lonely nights? I’m torn between how I act and who I am. To be independent is a great success many strive to achieve throughout their lives, but must it be at the cost of creating new friendships?

With 2011 coming to a close, I’ve realized that my friends, while few, are more fulfilling than many. As lonely as I’ve created myself to be, I am now starting to realize that my loneliness is an abstract of my mind.

I’m ending this year with my two best friends, Lauren and Liz. When paired with one, or even both of them, the three of us are invincible. I’m entering 2012 with two beautiful, creative minds who have taken my faults and transformed them into unique attributes that make up the allure of my existence.

I’m looking forward to 2012 with optimism, and a little bit more knowledge of who I am, and where I’m going in life. I can only wish you the same. That being said, let’s raise our glasses (mine has sparkling grape juice in it) to the new year!

  1. bombxflower said: I like this positive attitude
  2. diamarben posted this