I’ve decided that a lot of my rants and occasional random emotional outbursts are probably due to the fact that this summer will be my sixth straight semester of taking classes at GV without a break. I’m probably going to burn out by the time I graduate, but I feel pressured to hurry up so that my parents won’t be disappointed in me.

True Life: I’m scared to become a teacher.

 

To anyone who hates on the use of Instagram.

Why? Why hate on this app in particular? Oh, those people are “Instagram whores”? Because I’m sure they never posted pictures of themselves before Instagram came along. Oh, you think I’m putting myself up on a pedestal as being a good photographer? Or maybe I’m just taking pictures of everyday items, just like I used to before Instagram, and maybe I just appreciate the softening of the oftentimes harsh, grainy quality of my phone’s camera. SO EXCUSE ME FOR GIVING IN TO AN APP BECAUSE I ENJOY SHARING MEDIA WITH PEOPLE AND WANT MY PICTURES TO NOT LOOK LIKE COMPLETE SHIT. Good day to you all.

I’ve gained quite a bit of weight around my waist over the last few weeks. It’s gotten to the point where it’s noticeable. I really want to start a workout routine ASAP, but these next two weeks are already going to be hell on wheels, due to finals and last minute papers.

I’m really unhappy that I kind of let myself go. I was working out hardcore for quite a while, and once spring break hit, I stopped. I need to get back to that point in my life again.

I’m going to write about something that I never knew existed and was too frightened to write about before.

So, I guess there is a condition called “sleep paralysis”. I just read about it on another Tumblr blog, and did a little more research online. It seems to line up with what I’m about to share with you.

I’m not exactly sure when it started. I think it was near the end of high school and the beginning of college. I was sleeping at my lake house, when suddenly a few of my senses became aware of my surroundings. My eyes felt heavy and were struggling to stay open, but I couldn’t move my body. I felt paralyzed. I started to panic, which resulted in me struggling to breathe. I didn’t know what was going on. Using all of my force, I thrusted my body forward in an attempt to sit up. It took numerous attempts before I could jerk my body awake.

At first, I thought it was sleep apnea, because I felt like I couldn’t breathe, but it didn’t occur enough and the symptoms just didn’t match up. These episodes would recur at random times throughout my life. Eventually, I started to perfect a system to wake myself up. This worked for a while.

Over winter break of 2011/2012, I saw an exorcism movie with my friends. When I got home, although it took me a while, I eventually fell into what I hoped would be a deep sleep. A little bit later, my eyes were awake but my body was paralyzed. I was in my bed but something wasn’t right. I started screaming and contorting myself and speaking in a language that wasn’t my own. I didn’t have control over what I was doing and hoped my parents would hear me screaming and help me, but no one came.

I woke up the next morning unsure of what was and wasn’t reality. I wondered if I actually did scream in my sleep, and if I did wake up my parents in the middle of the night. I went downstairs and no one said anything, so neither did I.

This nightmare has recurred twice since then.

I never knew what was wrong with me. And now I don’t know where to go from here. It doesn’t happen often enough to prevent me from sleeping, but I’m scared it will start to occur more and more.

I feel a sense of calm now that I know what it is…but I just don’t want to go through it again. I was able to get used to it initially, but ever since the nightmares have started, I don’t think I can handle the stress of it.